I can’t decide if I have a hole in my chest or a dead weight. Whatever it is, I experience its presence daily, simultaneously feeling desolate and empty while also pressed down with the heavy burden of melancholy. Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe.
Our two 20-something children are each preparing to spend the summer away from home in their college apartments. I do worry about their contracting COVID-19. It is scary that young adults who have mild reactions to COVID-19 infection may later suffer blood clots and stroke.
However, I can’t say fear for their health is what makes me uneasy at their leaving. I just plain don’t want them to leave. Somehow, while I feel I can trust God with their health, I still can’t seem to bear the thought of them not being under our roof. If the past two months have taught me anything, it is that the idea that we humans have control over our lives is just an illusion. I struggle to let my loved ones out of my sight.
Spending time in God’s Word reminds me that our Lord and Savior walked this earth in human form. Therefore, He has an intimate understanding of our human fears, challenges, frustrations, and disappointments. Jesus’s betrayal and crucifixion are stark examples of the agony He suffered on this earth. Yet, during His three decades of human life, there were doubtless many other times Jesus felt the pain and grief that accompany human existence.
We know that even His closest companions could not truly wrap their minds around the truths Jesus was speaking to them. Additionally, we learn that even Jesus grew weary and needed to withdraw to a quiet place to rest and pray. Like us, he too experienced fatigue and weariness. We read of many times when religious leaders confronted Jesus. We see the anger He felt at the money changers in the temple. We know that Jesus understands sorrow and grief, as demonstrated by His tears at the grave of Lazarus.
When I am paralyzed by emotion, feeling my heart heavy within my chest, I remind myself that only Jesus can relieve this burden of tension, uncertainty, and apprehension. Only my Savior can fill the void I feel. Furthermore, He has walked this earth in human skin and understands my emotions at the deepest level.
I’m not there yet. I still feel this pain. Often, I have no words. At these times I cling to Paul’s exhortation: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” I realize there is nothing more pure, noble, excellent, or praiseworthy than my precious Lord and Savior. I yearn to focus my eyes on Him alone.
When my heart is aching, and I have no words of my own, the mantra in my mind is the words of one of my favorite hymns:
Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus by Helen Lemmel
| O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There’s light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and free. |
| Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace. |
Dear Lord, thank you for understanding my fears, anxieties, and emotions. Help me to keep my eyes focused on You. Amen.
My hope is that some day I can hold a book in my hands which is composed of your writings of Transitions. It’s so comforting to read my feelings and thoughts through your words. This is a beautiful reminder of who Jesus is and of what He has done for us and is doing for us. Thank you for opening your heart to us. We need each other to help us navigate this world and point us to Him until we see Him face to face. Love you!
This was your best yet. We’ve all heard messages the last weeks on , “do not worry, do not be afraid, and yet we find ourselves there. Preach the gospel to ourselves everday, that’s what we must do.
Did you dedicate those little babes when they were itty bitty to the Lord? They are still his sheep. He calls them by name. He will protect them. Don’t you know that worrying will not add a single day to your life?